People often ask why victims of domestic abuse don’t ‘just leave,’ but they rarely ask what happens when they do. There is a widespread belief that walking out the door brings freedom and safety. In reality, for too many survivors, leaving is not the end but the start of post-separation abuse.
Any one of us could be a victim of domestic abuse. So, this gap in our understanding of post-separation abuse and the need for safety planning urgently needs to be filled. Here, we’ll help you understand post-separation abuse, where to get support, and hear from Bedfordshire survivors living through abuse from their ex-partners.
“It makes you feel that you are a prisoner in your own life. You feel hopeless that you are never going to get rid of this person. It makes you feel like you can never move on. This is why some women end up back together as sometimes it is easier to know where they are instead of wondering if they are watching you from somewhere.”
'I'd Just Leave' - Click Here
Domestic abusers often work to prevent victims from breaking free of their control. They build emotional and practical barriers. Statements like ‘if it were me, I’d just leave’ show a lack of understanding and ignore the bravery it takes. In reality, leaving is complex, challenging and can be dangerous. That’s why advice should be sought from a specialist domestic abuse service, and planning for safety is crucial.
In Control
Domestic abusers want control. They feel entitled to control their partner and demand compliance. This entitlement doesn’t always end when the relationship does.
Too often, when domestic abusers lose the control they once had, they begin post-separation abuse. It is their way to try to regain control over their now ex-partner.
“…using our child and joint assets like our house and dog as a way of still being in control and manipulating situations in order to punish me.”
Myth: 'Couple’s Counselling Can Help' - Click Here
Traditional counselling can harm victims and make abusers more dangerous. Domestic abuse and post-separation control are not due to mental health or substance issues, medical issues or communication breakdowns. Anger is a feature of abuse, but not its cause.
Abusive behaviours are choices driven by entitlement and a desire for control and dominance. Abuse is not a relationship issue; it is the issue of the abuser. Abusers need to focus on their actions and other people’s feelings.
“He consistently calls randomly from unknown caller ID to either be silent or small talk toward finding out what I’m doing or if I am single. He will turn up to places I am often.”
What is Post-Separation Abuse?
Post-separation abuse is a pattern of controlling, intimidating, and harassing behaviour where an abusive former partner continues to inflict harm and exert power after the relationship has ended. Post-separation abuse is a form of domestic abuse. Yet, the relationship has ended.
The abuser has lost the power and physical proximity they once had. So their tactics shift and adapt to the separation. This means sometimes the abuse can intensify as an abuser tries to restore their control.
Myth: 'Fighting For Love' - Click Here
Needing to fight for mutual affection is rarely a sign of a healthy relationship. This is especially true once a relationship has ended. Yet, in popular culture, relentless pursuit is often romanticised.
In reality, this is a warning sign of an ex-partner refusing to let go.
The culture we consume, the history we inherit, and the laws we live under shape what we consider normal and romantic, and what we dismiss as drama. When it comes to post-separation abuse, pop culture blurs the line between obsession and devotion. From romantic comedies to classic literature, we see that when a relationship ends, the hero refuses to accept it. Often ending in a grand gesture. This reframes stalking and a refusal to accept a boundary as devotion, passion or heartbreak. The Police’s “Every Breath You Take” is literally a song about surveillance. Ultimately, we are taught that true love is loud, possessive, and chaotic.
Recognising the Signs: Am I Experiencing This?
Do the things your ex-partner does or says make you feel: Manipulated? Undermined? Monitored? Scared? Despite the separation, is your ex-partner’s behaviour negatively impacting your independence, decision-making, daily routines, focus and attention?
“Using the ring doorbell to spy on me and removing my access, putting another camera in our property without me knowing.”
“I have been stalked… He would speak to my neighbours and get them to watch what I was doing, who I was with and where I was going. When I was told to move away from the area, he was then housed a mile from where I moved to.”
Post-Separation Abuse Examples
Post-separation abuse can include all forms of domestic abuse (physical, sexual, emotional, financial, coercive control). Yet, as physical proximity has been lost, the tools used to inflict the abuse often shift.
Abusers may use technology or third parties (such as friends, family, and formal systems) to continue their abuse. Ultimately, their aim is to continue exercising control by creating barriers that restrict survivors’ independence and an overwhelming state of fear which limits their ability to move forward. Different types of post-separation abuse and specific behaviours can form a pattern, as shown in The Duluth Post Separation Abuse Wheel. As such, some abusive behaviours are commonly seen; you may recognise some of the following…
Technology-Enabled Surveillance and Stalking - Click Here
Abusers may use technology to monitor and maintain a presence in the survivor’s life. This can include:
- Covert Tracking: Deploying hidden location-tracking tags (such as AirTags) in vehicles, children’s toys, or personal belongings.
- Surveillance: Social media surveillance, installing spyware on digital devices, accessing emails or smart home cameras. Flooding you with calls, texts, or emails under the guise of caring for you or your children.
- Causing Disruption: Manipulating smart-home automation systems (like remote locks, cameras, and thermostats). Changing passwords or removing you from your personal accounts. Creating fake social media accounts.
Weaponised Co-Parenting and Child Manipulation - Click Here
Abusers may use child arrangement orders as a tool to demonstrate control or inflict distress on the survivor. This can include:
- Contact as Control: Using contact methods, such as handovers, to issue physical, emotional, or psychological threats.
- Counter-Parenting: Purposefully working against your parenting rules, routines, and boundaries to create chaos or undermine your authority.
- Using the Children: Discrediting, undermining your parent-child relationships, or manipulating the children to find out private or confidential information.
- Child Arrangement Disruption: Intentionally disrupting schedules, showing up late, or refusing to confirm drop-off times so you cannot plan work or social schedules.
- Child Abuse: Physical, emotional, or sexual.
- Intimidation, Harm and Neglect: Verbal intimidation of children. Knowingly putting the children in unsafe or risky situations during their care (e.g., withholding medical care) to cause you worry and anxiety. Neglecting the needs of children, including feeding, washing, and sleeping.
- Withholding Consent: Deliberately blocking necessary decisions regarding the children’s schooling, travel, or medical treatment.
System Abuse - Click Here
Abusers may weaponise formal institutions as a tool to cause disruption or inflict distress on the survivor. This can include:
- Court Systems: Using court hearings to undertake controlling, intimidating, or harassing behaviour. Threats of instigating groundless processes. Repeatedly applying for court cases. Purposefully stretching court cases, preventing access to information. Abusers might refuse to follow or bend court-ordered agreements.
- False Accusations: Claiming that they are the true victim, that you are unstable, or accusing you of parental alienation. Making false claims of benefit fraud or child abuse against you.
- False Reports: Making untruthful reports of wrongdoing, child abuse or benefit fraud to authorities.
- Deliberate Obstruction: Violating existing court orders, stalling legal proceedings to run up your solicitor fees.
Emotional Manipulation, Isolation, and Intimidation
Abusers may work to damage the survivor’s support network and make them feel isolated. Their aim is to reduce the survivor’s independence and make the survivor dependent on them. This can include:
- Character Assassination: Spreading malicious rumours to friends, family, employers, or schools to discredit your reputation or paint you as unstable or an unfit parent.
- Gaslighting: Creating false narratives. Claiming you are exaggerating. Denying or minimising their abusive behaviour. Constantly blaming, criticising, or shaming you and your actions.
- Coercion and Blackmail: Threatening to distribute private, intimate images (revenge porn), destroy sentimental property, or target your career. Threatening to turn up at where you work/study, or harm themselves, your pets, or your loved ones if you do not comply with their demands. If you are LGBT+, the abuser may threaten to forcibly ‘out’ you to your family or workplace.
- Grand Gestures: Showering you with gifts, empty promises of change, or dramatic pleas for forgiveness.
Financial Abuse
Abusers may restrict survivors’ access to money and financial independence. This can include:
- Debt Manipulation: Intentionally damaging your credit rating. Taking out fraudulent loans in your name.
- Preventing Independence: Freezing your access to shared bank accounts. Refusing to uphold mutual financial obligations or pay necessary bills and fees (or paying them late).
- Property: Damaging, selling, or losing your possessions.
- Calculated Costs: Deliberately causing unexpected expenses. Losing/ruining children’s items that must be replaced. Refusing to pay child maintenance, or intentionally quitting their jobs to avoid paying.
Myth: 'Children are not affected by their parents' abusive relationship - Click Here
Is Post-Separation Abuse a Crime?
Post-separation abuse can be a criminal offence. It’s useful to understand that post-separation abuse is just a descriptive term, but the behaviours can be criminal offences. For example, this could include stalking, harassment, or controlling or coercive behaviour.
A critical milestone for survivors occurred on 5 April 2023, when the specific clause in the Domestic Abuse Act 2021 for England and Wales that criminalises coercive control after separation officially came into effect. This means that if the abuser’s actions constitute a continuous, calculated pattern of behaviour that causes serious alarm, distress, or fear of violence, and the abuser and the survivor no longer live together, it can be investigated and prosecuted as a criminal offence. This is in the same way as when they were still living together.
Importantly, when reporting post-separation abuse to the police, you do not need to worry about choosing the right legal term. Your role is to tell them about the patterns of behaviour and the impact this has on you. The police and CPS will review available evidence and decide how best to prosecute. Evidence could include bank statements or screenshots of financial withholding, logs of texts, court delays, tracking devices, GP records.
Getting Support
It’s useful to remember that many survivors go on to live happy lives. With support, you can regain and maintain your power and control over your life. Many services can help you move forward, navigate challenges, and gain your independence. You are not alone.
The Police - Click Here
If there is an ongoing emergency or a threat to life, call 999 right away. You can report domestic abuse (post-separation abuse is domestic abuse) to Bedfordshire Police online, at a police station, or by calling 101.
Bedfordshire Domestic Abuse Partnership - Click Here
The Bedfordshire Domestic Abuse Partnership signposts you to a range of support services. This includes information on legal help and mental health/recovery support. Specialist services can also provide confidential advice.
Safety Planning - Click Here
Because separation is often the most volatile and unpredictable phase of an abusive relationship, having a practical, proactive safety plan is vital. A safety plan is a structured, personalised tool to help you navigate your day-to-day life, protect your children, and minimise the risk of ongoing harassment or harm. You can find more information on safety planning at The Bedfordshire Domestic Abuse Partnership.
Legal Support - Click Here
There are organisations such as The Domestic Abuse Alliance that provide legal assistance and protection for victims. They can provide support with civil injunctions and give advice on matters such as divorce, financial proceedings, and child arrangements.
Financial Support - Click Here
Recovery - Click Here
Home-Start Bedfordshire is part of the Bedfordshire Domestic Abuse Partnership. Our charity runs Own My Life, which supports local female survivors of domestic abuse. Own My Life helps survivors regain control and move forward in their lives after abuse. The Rebuild programme is for women living with domestic abuse in Central Bedfordshire and explores healthy relationships. Rebuild programme was developed by experts from children’s services in partnership with Home-Start Bedfordshire.
