You may not know if you are in an abusive relationship with the partner (or ex-partner) of your child. Awareness of domestic abuse helps us all understand what is not acceptable in relationships. Children are also victims should they see, hear or experience the effect of the abuse. The impact on children can be severe and last into adulthood.
Awareness empowers us to protect and preserve the mental and physical health of ourselves and our children. Together, we’ll explore what domestic abuse is and ask questions to help you evaluate your relationship.
Healthy Relationships
In healthy relationships, we often feel supported, respected, trusted and have freedom of choice. We know that leaving the relationship may be upsetting and complicated (e.g., children, shared property). However, we don’t feel trapped in the relationship due to fear of our partner’s behaviour or over-dependence.
- Do you feel safe being around your partner?
- Do you feel you could leave your relationship if you needed to?
Ups and Downs
Ups and downs are normal in relationships. We all have differences of opinion and arguments with our partners can be constructive. Healthy disagreements are focused on resolving the issue. They rarely overstep the mark, and if they do, there is an apology.
- Do you feel better after talking with your partner?
- Do you feel you are spoken to and treated with respect in your relationship?
However, if arguments are rarely resolved, frequent, and often heated, they can be destructive. In an unhealthy relationship, arguments are not focused on finding a solution, they are about winning. They often include insults, swearing and shouting. Regular destructive arguments could be a sign of an unhealthy or potentially abusive relationship.
What is Domestic Abuse?
Domestic abuse is common and can happen to anyone. It is not simply violence. Many abusive partners do not cause physical harm. Domestic abuse is not specifically a crime. However, a number of crimes could be committed as part of the abuse.
Domestic abuse is a broad term, covering multiple types of abuse. This includes abuse from partners, family members and child-to-parent abuse. Here, we are focusing on domestic abuse in intimate partner relationships. This means it is domestic abuse if you and your partner are personally connected and the behaviour is abusive.
Abusive behaviour includes physical, psychological, emotional or sexual abuse. As well as controlling, coercive, violent or threatening behaviour. It could also include economic abuse or stalking. The behaviour could be made indirectly towards you through someone else such as your child. It could be a single incident or a pattern of events including one or a combination of abusive behaviours.
Abusive Partners
Our partners know us better than most and abusive partners use this information to gain power and dominance over us. Using their abusive behaviours, they ultimately manipulate and control our actions.
Domestic abusers are often good at deception. They can wear a charming mask in front of others. At home, their character can change, out of sight of others.
Abusive partners may claim they can’t control themselves or pass the blame on to us, i.e. we caused their behaviour. They may also deny the behaviour ever took place. This can leave us feeling paranoid and doubting ourselves.
Abusers sometimes have a history that is known to the police. Under ‘Clare’s Law’ you have a ‘right to ask’ the police if you are concerned your partner or ex-partner has an abusive past.
Abusive Behaviours
Abusive partners believe they have the right to have power over us. Using their learned experience and understanding of our vulnerabilities, they employ abusive behaviour to control us. This is often a combination of behaviours that form a pattern. Abuse can also continue after the relationship has ended.
Abusive behaviours can broadly be categorised as follows, although some behaviours can fall into multiple categories.
Physical Abuse
Physical abuse is an act that deliberately causes you physical harm.
Have they:
- Slapped, punched, kicked, bitten or burnt you?
- Pushed, pulled, shoved, strangled or physically restrained you?
- Thrown things at you?
- Forced you to take drugs, medication or alcohol when you didn’t want to?
- Prevented you from accessing or using medication or getting medical support?
- Put pressure on your neck so that you struggle to breathe or lose consciousness?
Sexual Abuse
Sexual abuse is any sexual act or activity you did not consent to.
Do they make you feel violated or degraded?
Have they:
- Raped you?
- Forced you to engage in sexual acts you didn’t consent to?
- Prevented you from accessing or using birth control?
- Forced you to let other people watch you do sexual acts?
- Forced you to take part in, or look at pornography?
- Threatened to send sexual images of yourself to others
- Revenge porn is when your partner shares revealing/sexual images or videos of you, without your consent in order to cause you distress.
Emotional Abuse & Coercive Control
Emotional abuse includes intimidating, belittling, undermining, or otherwise emotionally manipulative behaviour. Coercive control is a pattern of behaviour intended to control and make you dependent on your partner.
- Do they make you feel intimidated, anxious, humiliated or worthless?
- Do they make you feel monitored, controlled or isolated?
Have they:
- Regularly said things that lower your self-esteem or make you doubt your competence?
- Called you insults aimed at making you feel worthless?
- Degraded or humiliated in front of others?
- Often changed their personality or behaviour to be more charming when around others?
- Controlled where you go, who you see and how you dress?
- Isolated you from your friends or family?
- Pretended to be sick, hurt or scared in order to control your actions?
- Monitored how you spend your time, what you do online, or who you call?
- Often lied to you and accused you of things that are not true?
- Held you to a high standard that cannot be met?
- Made you feel unsafe?
- Used threats that they’ll hurt you, themselves, pets or your children?
- Threatened to remove or restrict your access to your children?
- Forced you to engage in criminal activities?
Financial and Economic Abuse
Financial and economic abuse is behaviour that has a significant and negative impact on your ability to obtain, use or possess money or other property or acquire goods or services.
- Do they make you feel financially exploited or sabotaged?
Have they:
- Taken your wages?
- Prevented you from being in education or employment?
- Prevented you from claiming benefits?
- Withheld child maintenance payments?
- Prevented you from having access to a bank account?
- Controlled how much money you can have, when and how you can spend your money?
- Controlled or prevented you from getting resources, e.g. money, car, phone, food?
- Insisted all economic assets (e.g., savings, house) are in their name?
- Spent money on themselves intended for your household?
- Intentionally damaged or destroyed your property?
- Caused debts in your name?
Stalking
Stalking is also an abusive act and is seen in many cases of domestic abuse. An act of stalking can be defined as a persistent and unwanted pattern of attention that makes you feel harassed, fearful, anxious or distressed.
Have they:
- Repeatedly followed or spied on you?
- Repeatedly made unwanted communication with you, e.g. sending threats?
- Damaged your property or entered your home unknowingly without your permission?
- Digital platforms are also used to commit abusive behaviour. For example, this could be through monitoring your social media or sending abusive posts. Spyware and unconsented reading of emails are other examples.
Getting Help
Domestic abuse can happen to anyone. Asking yourself the questions can help you to understand if your relationship could be considered abusive. There are many organisations that support victims experiencing domestic abuse. Home-Start Bedfordshire focuses on the prevention of domestic abuse in families with young children and their recovery after leaving. If you are experiencing domestic abuse, it is important to seek help; please visit the National Domestic Abuse Helpline or Respect Men’s Advice Line. The Bedfordshire Domestic Abuse Partnership Support Hub Scheme promotes safe places in the community where you can go and contact a support service. If you feel at immediate risk of harm, you should call 999.
If you think you are being abusive towards your partner, there is support available from Respect.