“If it were me, I’d just leave.”
It’s an understandable response, rooted in a culture that craves simple solutions to complex problems. Simple answers offer comfort, certainty, and a sense of control. It’s easier to assume that leaving an abusive partner is simple, bringing the abuse to an end. But in reality, it is rarely that straightforward.
Domestic abuse is complex. ‘If it were me’ skips considering the experiences of victims: threats, concern for children/pets, access to finances, loss of property, and much more. Similarly, ‘just leave’ fails to understand that abuse is about power and control. Leaving can be incredibly challenging and dangerous.
Abusers want to maintain their control. Even when the relationship ends, abusers often adapt, finding new ways to exert control from a distance. This is post-separation abuse: a sustained pattern of behaviour that can persist for years. It can include surveillance, stalking, weaponised co-parenting, child manipulation, financial exploitation, and abuse of legal systems.
For many, the truth is that leaving is a step on a journey toward freedom. Most weeks, we speak with survivors who left. Too often their abusers continue to target their independence, decision-making, financial stability, and peace of mind. This ongoing reality is why we are launching our newest awareness campaign about post-separation abuse: ‘Out of Control?’ The project is funded by the office of the Bedfordshire Police & Crime Commissioner and aims to contribute to multiple priorities. This includes improving awareness of signs and symptoms of abuse and Violence Against Women & Girls offences. Over the coming weeks, please join us as we share insights from survivors, debunk common myths, and more.
Above all, we want survivors to know they are not alone. We have had the privilege of witnessing survivors reclaim their autonomy and take back control over their lives. Free, confidential support is available through the Bedfordshire Domestic Abuse Partnership. Here are some quotes from a variety of recovery programmes our charity has delivered over the years:
“I can truly say that ‘Own My Life’ saved my life & gave me the knowledge & understanding as well as most importantly the courage to not return to a relationship which was abusive… It wasn’t until I started ‘Own My Life’ & taught how to recognise different forms of abuse that I really began to heal.”