At a glance
- Feeling pressure to return is common.
- Having mixed feelings, wanting to go back or to stay home are all healthy perspectives.
- Emotions are a product of change, not a sign of being a bad parent.
- Brain fog is common.
- Be kind to yourself; it may take time to adjust.
- You’ve changed.
- Expect your workplace to have changed.
- It will likely take time to find a new rhythm.
- Shift your goals to sustainable performance.
- Your career is unique; don’t compare it to others’.
- Communicate your need and understand your rights.
- Rehearse childcare arrangements and morning routine.
- Plan for household tasks.
- Schedule time for rest and restoration.
- Connect with other parents.
“For my first, there was a lot of guilt, sadness and anxiety about her starting nursery and not being with her all the time. The settling sessions at nursery were initially very difficult with lots of tears (both sides!) and it all felt very wrong. I was also really anxious about my ability and level of competence to do my job. I felt like I had forgotten everything. My head was just full of nursery rhymes and nap schedules.”
Why Is Going Back to Work After Birth Difficult?
We should start by acknowledging pressures. Perhaps few of us feel entirely supported and not pressured to return to work. For many of us, the return is driven by a mix of finances, career ambition, and expectations of society, partners and employers. Some of us want to return to work, some of us don’t; both are equally fine.
Let’s also acknowledge potential negative feelings, e.g. sadness, anxiety, and fear. You may also be feeling positive emotions. However, your feeling is valid. All are normal. Return-to-work guilt, especially, is a common experience. You might worry about missing milestones. Feeling guilty doesn’t mean you are doing something wrong; it just means you care deeply. Avoid negative self-talk and practice a bit of self-compassion here.
Maternity Is Hard
Maternity leave can be an intense period. Going back to work after birth can be a challenge. Babies are emotionally and physically taxing, and sleep deprivation is common. You may feel less sharp, a bit rusty, and worry about how well you will perform at work. This is normal and to be expected. Try to be kind to yourself, and lower your expectations. It’s helpful to realise we are our worst critics.
You Have Changed
It is unrealistic to expect yourself to step back into work as the same person who left. Your brain, your body, and your priorities have undergone significant change. You’ve changed. It is normal to feel torn between our roles as mothers and work life. Fulfilling both roles could be a challenge, and there is nothing wrong with admitting that. In fact, it empowers us with a question: How can I be good enough?
How Can I Be Good Enough?
If you define a good worker as the first one in, last one out, and a good parent as the sole source of care and joy, you’ll likely burn out. The goal isn’t to squeeze yourself back into the old mould, but to shape a new one that fits who you are now.
It Takes Time
Comparing your current self to your pre-baby self is unhelpful and unfair. The idea that you could ‘bounce back’ is as realistic as a time machine. Instead, give yourself permission to find a new rhythm that reflects your current reality rather than a past that no longer exists. This includes accepting that it will take time to feel like you’ve found your rhythm again. Be patient with yourself.
Work Will Have Changed
Workplaces don’t stand still. When you return, you might find new faces, different systems, or a completely restructured team. It is natural to feel out of the loop. Perhaps the hardest part is seeing peers who started at the same time as you now sitting further up the ladder.
Try to avoid the comparison trap. Their timeline has been different; yours has had a significant, life-changing detour. You aren’t behind, you’ve just been elsewhere.
“So for my second time round with my son, he had more of a confident and relaxed temperament than my daughter which helped. But there was still a lot of tears in the first few weeks and I initially really struggled with all of those original emotions of guilt, sadness and anxiety.
I looked forward to going back to work this time as I had missed the sense of achievement I got and also saw how work would actually be a break in comparison to looking after 2 small children! Once again I really struggled with feeling confident in my ability to do my job, and due to my contract soon ending with my current role, I was thrown in the deep end and given a full caseload without much time to get my head around it all again. Even though I had done a couple of odd keeping in touch days whilst on mat leave it felt like everything had changed and suddenly the team was a lot bigger with so many new faces.
I was also having to apply for new jobs throughout maternity leave and had an interview 2 weeks after returning to work, which needless to say I felt completely unqualified for and almost apologetic that I had just returned from a year off on maternity leave. I noticed this time round that a lot of my peers had progressed in their careers – transitioning to new roles and completing further qualifications, which left me feeling left behind and added to my self-doubt.”
Advocating for Your New Reality
Communication is your best tool during this transition. Many employers would much rather make small adjustments to keep an experienced staff member than go through the cost of hiring someone new. Try to be clear about your boundaries / what you need. If you need to leave promptly due to your schedule, communicate that.
You do not owe your employer an apology or debt for being on maternity leave. It is a legal right, not a loan of time you need to pay back with interest. The urge to overcompensate often comes from a desire to prove your worth, but remember: you already have the job. You don’t need to win it back.
Know Your Rights
Every workplace culture will be different; some will be more supportive than others. However, there are laws surrounding parenthood. As such, it is useful to know your rights. Knowing your standing reduces anxiety and empowers you to have better conversations, including:
- Keeping-in-Touch (KIT) Days – If you have these, consider how you can use them strategically to make your return easier. For example, clearing unread emails.
- Your options when maternity leave ends.
- Your right to request flexible working.
- Breastfeeding/expressing.
Maternity Action is a useful resource for maternity rights and benefits.
A Smooth Transition
Planning a return from maternity leave is easier when you take the dress rehearsal approach. If possible, start your childcare arrangements a week or two before you actually start work. This allows you and your child to navigate the inevitable separation anxiety while you still have the flexibility to head home if needed.
Consider a mid-week start. Returning on a Wednesday or Thursday could make that first week feel more manageable. Use the lead-up to your return to check the small things: do your work clothes still fit? Do you have a realistic morning routine that gets everyone out the door?
As your time at home decreases, household tasks need to be evaluated. If you have a partner, have an honest conversation about the division of labour. Often, partners don’t realise the volume of invisible tasks that keep a home running. Make a list, share the load, and be prepared to let some things go.
Protect your own energy. You cannot drive on an empty tank. As your schedule tightens, plan for restoration. Whether it is a few hours of me time or connecting with other parents to offload your frustrations, these moments are essential. If it feels like too much, it’s because it is a lot. Give yourself permission to find this difficult. Take it one day at a time, and remember that good enough is exactly what you need to be.
“Balancing work and child sickness has also been very difficult, particularly when you inevitably catch their bug too, and I’ve been lucky enough that my husband works from home so we have been able to juggle it all together. It is exhausting working and having small children! Generally though we quickly settled into a new rhythm again and I can say without guilt that I look forward to my working days and both of the kids are happy at nursery.”